This week has been the absolute worst. The reason for that is I got my period. Getting my period, for me, is like an event. It’s like a greek tragedy. It consumes my life. Whatever plans I had? Cancelled. Writhing in pain and cursing everyone who comes within a ten-mile radius is what’s on the menu. Some are worse than others. For example, that one time I drove to Colorado, got my period and somehow morphed into a week-long flu. I couldn’t eat or anything and I had this dream where my mom got possessed by a demon and I woke up screaming. Anyway, this week has been awful. The first two days I couldn’t really move. The rest of the days I’ve felt constantly upset and gross. Physically gross. And I don’t think I need to mention irritable to the point of homicide. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac has met his match in a PMSing Megan Biggs. I’m slowly emerging from the fog of haywire hormones and excruciating physical pain, but it’s slow and I’m also annoyed by the fact that I STILL CANNOT GET A JOB. It’s like okay, I get it. I have emotional problems. That doesn’t mean I can’t work. Just give me a job and let’s have some fucking plot advancement because everyone, and especially me, is getting bored with this. Singing the same old song day after day after day.
Sarah said “Crazy lady bodies,” when I was bitching about my first-world problems and I was like man….a lot of girls (or at least a lot of the girls I know) usually sometimes say within their life, “I hate being a girl.” And nobody thinks badly of her for saying that, usually. This statement is usually met with verbal affirmation or non-verbal affirmation. It’s kind of agreed, everywhere and by everyone, that being a girl sometimes kind of sucks and nobody really looks down on us for saying so. It’s just like a widely accepted fact. But if a guy ever says “I hate being a guy,” it’s somehow different. It’s like, “Sooo, are you saying you want to be a girl?” Any boy saying they sometimes dislike the unfortunate trappings of their gender is somehow a traitor. It’s like the moment they say that, they are being less masculine, although I’m sure being a boy is just as difficult as being a girl (well, sometimes) just in different ways. It’s like it’s slightly shameful to want to be a girl if you’re a boy. And besides, nobody REALLY means it when they say that. What I really mean when I say, “Being a girl is dumb” or “I wish I was a boy right now” is — I wish I did not have these menstrual cramps right now because my life is literally a living hell. I do not know what to do with all my emotions. I wish I could wear whatever I wanted without people looking at me like I’m a piece of meat. I wish I didn’t have to worry about people taking advantage of me because I’m physically weaker and I have breasts.” I don’t mean, “Gosh, I sure wish I had a penis right now and more sweat glands and boners and testosterone and a beard.” Although when I was in elementary school I did actually wish I had a beard. I think I wrote a poem about it.
So I am part of this “Table Group” thing. It’s like small group. Just 10 people from my church who meet every friday around somebody’s table and we eat food and then we talk about the sermon. So at my church, Awaken, we have been doing this series on Sabbath. What Sabbath means for us and our neighborhood and how it would look for us to do Sabbath blah blah blah. I like the people in my table group, but I can’t really relate to them. They keep talking about how their lives are so busy and they never really take time to stop and taking Sabbath intentionally needs to be a thing in their lives and they’re always worrying about things they have to do. I don’t know how to tell them that my life is pretty much the complete opposite. I have no problem being in the present, because I have to do that or I will literally go crazy. I have no problem sitting around doing nothing, because that is essentially what my life is. People ask me, “So what did you do this week? What have you been up to lately?” Nothing. I have been up to nothing. I do one or two things a day because that is all I can do. People think I am hiding or I don’t want to tell them about my life, but it’s just the truth. I do nothing because I can’t afford to live otherwise. I would put myself in danger, actual physical danger (from myself), if my life was too busy. Sabbath isn’t my problem. It never has been.
I think a big part of it is living in the house, too. Our house is intentional community. So when we hang out with people or people stop by, there is never an agenda. Our agenda is to be with them. So just lounging around, shooting the breeze with our drunk neighbours, inviting them to eat with us while not really accomplishing anything of societal merit is kind of our thing. That’s just what we do. That’s our lifestyle. So when other people don’t really do that or don’t know how to do that, I’m always kind of like….”Oh. Really? You don’t just sit around?” And then I realize that this house is an anomaly, and I am an anomaly within that anomaly.
As I write this I’m sitting in the living room. Lee is reading and occasionally staring off into space. Steph is reading. Mike just wandered in, had a 8-minute catch-up with Lee, and wandered out again. Kim and Jesse are out catching bees. I don’t know where everyone else is but there’s a high chance there’s doing something just as lackadaisical (except for Sarah, that girl just goes non-stop from morning til night). It’s not that we’re lazy, because we’re not. We’re just….I feel like we’re just slower.