How am I not myself? (ha)
It’s been a week for others sharing that they’re not doing so well. In our meetings and stuff. And it’s got me wondering about myself. How…am…I? And I guess the answer to that is I don’t really know.
Right now (and every night) I become very, very, very anxious. My thoughts take on a high-velocity projectile aim and it feels like I’ve been punched in the veins with sugar or adrenaline. Then during the day I am so tired and my brain isn’t careening around like a freak show and it all catches up with me. And I think, might as well get rest during the day if I can’t get it at night. But then because I rest during the day it makes it even harder to go to sleep at night. It is a truly vicious cycle.
Besides that, during the day….I guess I don’t really think too much. So I don’t think about if I’m happy or sad or whatever my emotional state is. My thoughts are more like…thinking about what I’m going to do next. What I’m going to eat for lunch. When I can nap. If I should nap. Why is Buffy the Vampire Slayer so awesome? How am I going to get money? I don’t think about, like, myself. Even if I did, chances are I wouldn’t be able to get a good read. I mean, I’m sitting here right now asking myself what it’s like in there. But I don’t know. Every once in a while a really strong emotion like jealousy or frustration or pure giddiness will break through but most of the time, I am in my own little world where I don’t think about the skeletons in my closet. Even if I wanted to, it would take like, more than 24 hours of me just sitting in quiet.
The only time I notice depression taking hold is when, by some act of God, I wake up at noon or before. There’s only one thought in my brain, and it’s that line from Sherlock Holmes (Guy Ritchie’s version) where Watson says, “Sherlock, you’ve got to get out!” and Sherlock replies, “There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on Earth, at all.” I also enjoy it when Sherlock says, “It’s a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can’t even tell if a man’s dead or not.” I love that movie.
Anyway, my point is…I just feel a general lack of interest. In things. This picture describes my social interactions.
Today I went on a bike ride with Matt Hall and Lee. We stopped at Baker’s Park overlooking the water and this happened –
Lee : Megan, do you want me to marry you here?
Me : Yes. Yes I do.
Lee : No, I don’t mean marry you….I mean I would marry you to someone else! Because I have the credentials to do that now!
Me :We’re getting married!
Lee : NO!
Me : If we’re not the ones getting married then the deal’s off the table.
Matt Hall is funny. We were riding through Bowness Park and he remarked that it would be the ideal place for a hovercraft. “Do we know anybody who has a hovercraft?” He is so like Jesse it continually disturbs me. It’s like they’re the SAME PERSON.
We had a dude from New Zealand named Josiah stay here last weekend. All the people I’ve met from Australia or New Zealand who are Christians have always been a lot more…conservative. Maybe I’m just meeting the wrong ones. We were discussing the Chronicles of Narnia movies and this conversation happened –
Me : That movie sucked BALLS!
Steph : Yeah, it was too, like…you know…evangelical.
Josiah : What do you guys have against Christians?
Me & Steph : [uproarious laughter]
Me : They’re…..stupid.
Josiah : I’m a Christian, are you saying I’m stupid?
Me : No, no, no….we’re Christians too.
Steph : We’re basically just calling ourselves stupid. It’s a form of self-deprecation.
Josiah (to me) : You’re a Christian? But you smoke weed!
HAhahahaha….le sigh. I think he was genuinely confused but Steph and I just kept laughing.
Weirdest thing – I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (story of my frickin’ life) and randomly, Buffy’s mom just dies. That was weird enough but then Buffy’s mom’s name is Joyce. So they keep talking about “Joyce” and how Joyce is dead and they’re all going to miss Joyce and I was just like….this show has now turned into my real life.
It is now quarter to 5. I have to get up in 2.5 hours. THIS DAY IS GOING TO BE AWESOME! Here is a picture of Lilah. It makes me feel better.