I don’t like being touched
I don’t like wearing revealing clothing
I don’t like shopping
I don’t like talking about boys excessively
I don’t know how to flirt
I don’t often make an effort with my hair or clothing
I don’t like parties with an estrogen influx
I often feel that other girls are judging me
I don’t want to compete for attention
I don’t want to compete for anything
I don’t like talking about my feelings
I don’t like wearing jewelry
I don’t care how my nails look
Except sometimes I paint them black
I don’t take a lot of “selfies”
I think optimism is overrated
I don’t wear perfume
I don’t wear make-up
Talking about sex toys is weird. Funny, but weird.
I hate studded butt pockets
I didn’t think the Notebook was that good
Valentine’s Day is stupid
I don’t want matching hats
I don’t want to go to yoga
I don’t brag about how awesome my girlfriends are on facebook (exception : when I write down funny things that Amanda, Sarah, or Steph say)
I don’t constantly dream about my marriage.
Do I read celebrity gossip? Yes. Is it more interesting to me than things that are not celebrity gossip? No.
The girlfriends that I do have are not, by anybody’s definition, “girly.” But what does girly mean? What does it really mean to be feminine? I look at the internet’s definition and the standard definition, and I just think…really? This…really? This can’t be all our gender is. I feel like we’ve been reduced. Over simplified. This can’t be what we’re supposed to be. Vapid, silly, insecure, one-dimensional characterizations.
But when I meet other girls and I wrack my brain for things I can connect or relate to them on, I almost always come up blank. Do I feel threatened by other girls? No. I just think that they won’t like me. I feel like they’re part of a secret club that I missed the memo on. Like they have all these rules and parameters that I know nothing about, and even if I did know about them, I probably wouldn’t care. I feel like they care about stuff that I have no frame of reference for. I can’t relate. I can’t connect.
It feels lonely in my gender.